Day 9: Music

Day 9 of Capture Your Grief...today's word is Music.  The song that best describes how I feel is "In the Sun".  I first heard the song in the movie "Saved" (which is fantastic!  Mandy Moore has the best lines.  Examples include, "It's 'Born Again,' not 'Born A-Gay" and "No, I'm not okay!  I just crashed my van into Jesus!").  The song was re-recorded by several artists (including one Mr. Justin Timberlake!) after Hurricane Katrina.

The lines that most remind me of Emma are:

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself, you know, I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I pictured you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake 

I think about how I never got to see her eyes, how she showed me a part of myself that had seemingly laid dormant until she existed.  I worry about her being alone and hope she knows how much I love her.

When I'm feeling extra sorry for myself, this part can bring me to tears:

I pictured you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

It's hard to find a belief system when your dreams and hopes and plans are quite literally ripped from your body.  I find myself oscillating between wanting another child and fearing that history will repeat itself.  I am searching for the strength to move forward.