Day 7 - That's Way Harsh, Tai

Day 7 of Capture Your Grief is "You Now."  I don't have a photo that represents this, but thinking about where I am now caused me to realize some harsh truths.

Earlier today I had a thought that I'm ashamed to admit.  I was thinking about this month and this project and what it means to me, and I thought, "I should post something about the people who haven't reached out to me and how I'm not angry at them for not writing to me in this difficult time."

I actually thought that.  And thirty seconds later, I thought, "What a sanctimonious, condescending, selfish little asshole you are."  Where do I get off "forgiving" someone who hasn't done anything to "deserve" my forgiveness?

I have spent the last ten years being unbelievably self-involved.  How many times have I scrolled by the misery of someone else and not extended so much as a kind word to them?  Whether I was too busy feeling sorry for myself because my parents got divorced, or I was feeling sorry for myself that my job wasn't as good as the job I was convinced I deserved, or I was too busy planning my wedding, my selfishness knew no bounds.

I have seen people reaching out for a kind word or thought, and I have left them to fend for themselves.  In the darkest time of my life, I have been lifted up by my friends and family.  I have been lifted up so high that I can see myself clearly and honestly for the first time, and I am deeply sorry and ashamed.  That I expected people who are essentially strangers (who happen to have a shared history) to extend a hand to me when I did nothing of the sort for them is despicable.

I am sorry.  If I have wronged you, if I have slighted you, if I have ignored your moment of pain because I was too self-involved to see beyond myself.  I am sorry.  If I pushed you away when you were trying to help me, if I rejected your cries for help, if I let you slip away from me because I just "didn't have time" for you.  I am sorry.

I have been trying to work on myself since Emma's death.  I am striving to make up for the things that I've done wrong in the past, but I can't do that without being honest about them.  I guess that the person I should be angry at for not reaching out to help me is myself, because this self-reflection wasn't that hard to come by.  It just took a little honesty.  And being way harsh didn't hurt, either.