9 to 5

I started back at work last Thursday.  As I wrote, it was a day that I was dreading.  It was both more and less stressful than I anticipated.

I was greeted with hugs and warmth by many people.  Many people simply said hello and avoided any mention of Emma.  Again, I'm sure they were worried about "making me uncomfortable."  Well, they succeeded against their better efforts.  It was really awkward at times.  I spoke to a vendor who managed to cliche all over me ("It's better this way, there's a reason, God has a plan, I know someone...").  It was excruciating to stay on the phone and thank her for giving me such good (and original!) advice.

The hardest part of all is that the girl who sits next to me is pregnant.  She's due in October.  I listened to her talk about needing to buy diapers and baby clothes and get the nursery ready, and I felt like I was sucker-punched.  Do I ask her to not talk about her child in front of me?  I'm struggling with that question.  I went through something terrible, but do I have the right to ask her to not celebrate this time in her life?  I'm not sure.  I know that it's going to be a hellish two months until she delivers, and then I'm going to hear about the baby when she comes back.

I didn't think this was going to be so tough for me.  I thought I could rise above and be a bigger person and be happy for her.  I AM happy for her, but with a huge undercurrent of bitter and sad and resentful.  I know that eventually I won't feel so gutted when I see pregnant people and new moms, but that time feels very far off.