My Littlest Confidante

There are days when I fear I've exhausted everyone around me by talking about Emma.  I know it's not true, and I know that all of my family and friends have been very kind and supportive when I want to talk.  Talking about a stillbirth has a tendency to grind conversation to a screeching halt and discourage any topics someone wanted to bring up.  There's not a really easy transition one can make from, "My baby died," to, "OMG, so sad, but have you been watching 'Pretty Little Liars'?  Is CeCe Drake Red Coat?!"

I have one friend who I am able to talk to about Emma, and then transition to whatever else I could talk about.  Her name is Claire, and she is my 3 (she would say 3.5) year old niece.  When I was first pregnant, all of my nieces were beyond thrilled about the new addition.  They were so excited when they found out we were having a girl - they've amassed quite the army (4 girls against 2 boys, and one of the "boys" is a man - the other is 3 and says he's a man), and adding another soldier to the mix was an exciting prospect.

Whenever the girls saw me, they flocked to me.  It was adorable, and I suffered no illusions that it had anything to do with me; rather I was the wrapper and they were just waiting for the delicious candy center.  While the older girls were excited, Claire was positively fixated.  She would tickle my stomach in an attempt to tickle the baby, and she was ecstatic about the fact that her mom was going to be babysitting Emma during the day.

I know that my sister-in-law was concerned about how the girls would react - I don't even understand what happened to Emma, I can't imagine explaining it to three young children.  Jenny didn't want them to upset me or say anything that would hurt me further.  Jeff and I felt it was important to talk to the girls and let them know that if they had questions, they should feel free to ask.  I didn't want them to be afraid to talk about it, and I didn't want Jenny to be afraid that they would say something out of line.

The older girls didn't dwell too much, but Claire continues to ask about her.  The last time I saw her, she jumped onto my lap, laid her head on my chest, and said, "I'm really sad that Emma died."  I hugged her and told her that I was sad, too.  She said that she never got to meet her, and I told her that I know she would have loved her.  Claire always wants to look at pictures of Emma, and when I show them to her she says, "Emma!" in the softest, sweetest voice I've ever heard.  And then she flips through the rest of my pictures, saying, "There's your mom.  There's your sister.  There's Jeff..." and so on.  Then she runs off to play.

It's nice to have my sweet Claire to talk to about Emma, because we don't have to dwell.  We can talk about her, and then move on.  There's no awkward transition.  I can't wait until we are able to talk about her next cousin, and she is able to hold him or her and play with him or her and love him or her as much as she already loves Emma.