The Blame Game

There are a lot of articles out there about blame.  That when you go through a stillbirth, you cannot blame yourself, because you will go crazy.  I keep telling myself this, and yet I find myself doing it, all the same.

Louis CK has a bit that he describes as, "Of Course...But Maybe..."  The premise is that the decent part of his brain knows something to be true, yet the darker part of him has a contrary point of view (look it up, it's hilarious).  I've been having quite a few of these moments lately.

Of course if I could have saved Emma I would have.  Of course.  But maybe I could have done more.  Maybe I could have been more concerned about the lack of movement instead of getting a pedicure and taking a nap and eating gelato the day she died.

Of course I'm not a terrible mother because this happened.  Of course not.  But maybe I am.  When you're pregnant, you have one responsibility.  To bring your child in to the world safely.  Once they're out, there are hundreds of outside factors you can't control, but when they're in your body, they're with you constantly.  I had one job.  And I failed.  My child died inside of me.  It's a thought that lingers on the perimeter of my mind because if I allow it to become a real thought, it will cripple me and I will never be able to go on.

Of course Jeff and I want to have more children.  But maybe I'm not meant to.  I'm terrified of going through this again.  Since we lost Emma, we've met people who have had 2, 3, 4 miscarriages, and some who have had multiple stillbirths.  How do these people find the courage to keep trying?  Once has paralyzed me with fear.  The thought of enduring daily blood thinner injections and countless extra doctor visits, only to potentially have the same outcome?  It's my own personal horror movie.

At the end of the day, I can't allow these thoughts to overcome me.  So I will try to end my cycle with this one:

Of course it's natural to blame myself.  But maybe doing so is a disservice to Emma.  Instead of worrying about what I could have, should have, would have done, I should be honoring her.  Loving her and remembering her.  Maybe someday I will be strong enough to listen to myself.