Signs

Jeff sees signs everywhere.  He always has.  I don't know if he looks for them, or if they find him.  We had a Yorkie puppy who had to be put to sleep after an accident five years ago.  The morning after, Jeff went outside and wrote, "I [heart] Moxie" in the snow.  The wind blew away everything but the heart, and Jeff knew that Moxie was telling him that he was okay.

The Wednesday after Emma was born, Jeff was standing in the garden.  He came inside and told me that the tiniest bird he'd ever seen had landed on the edge of the garden, flown to the fence, and sat there for a moment with him before flying away.  "And all I could ask was, 'Is that my baby girl?'" he told me with tears in his eyes.  The following week at Emma's funeral, we released balloons to symbolize letting her spirit go.  One of the balloons caught on a tree.  Jeff went out later to pull the car up, and the balloon came free and floated away.  These signs gave him comfort.  They made him feel like Emma was telling him that she was okay, and he would be, too.

I haven't seen any signs.  On Friday, I sat outside with a book.  I finally put it down and stared at the sky.  Tears streamed down my face as I whispered, "Please, baby, please, give me something.  Some kind of sign that you're okay - that I'll be okay.  Just show me something.  Please."  Nothing.  A leaf fell from our maple tree.  I desperately searched for meaning.  The leaf is a symbol for RTS (Resolve Through Sharing, the hospital's grief support group for people who have lost a child) - that must be it!  But it wasn't enough.  I asked for something else.  Nothing.

I wonder why I don't see these things.  Is it because I don't want to heal?  Everyone else smiled when we released the balloons - it was cathartic.  For me, it was something else to make me angry.  I didn't want to release her spirit.  I want the one thing I can't have, I want her here, with me.  Is it because I'm more jaded than Jeff?  I've seen more death in my life than he has, maybe I just don't have the belief system that he does.  I'm not sure.  I've been paying closer attention to things around me, thinking that maybe I've just been unaware of my surroundings.

Maybe the searching is the problem.  I need to let her come to me and find me when she's ready.  I'll be here, sweet girl.  Waiting for you.