Second Class Concerns

So I've done a lot of writing about the horrible things that I have dealt with post-stillbirth.  However, there are a lot of things that are absolutely secondary concerns to everything else, and feel a little silly to whine about.  But you know what?  I have decided I'm not going to limit myself to whining about the big things.  Here are the (distant) second class concerns that we "angel parents" (still not a fan of that term, suggestions for something else are welcome and encouraged) deal with:

1. Play-Doh Body.  Oy, with this.  It's not enough that we are dealing with the hormonal side effects of pregnancy and birth, we are forced to deal with post-pregnancy bodies, as well.  Does this sound shallow?  It is.  And it makes me feel like a part of the mother tribe to share this shallow complaint.  I was blessed with genetics that allow me to be 5'10" and know that I would have try extremely hard to become morbidly obese.  The unfortunate side effect is that I have never had a huge need to exercise or watch what I eat (how sorry for me do you feel?).  At this point I am baffled by the way my body looks - it's like a child was molding a Barbie doll out of Play-Doh and lost steam.  There are lumps and bumps in completely nonsensical areas.  And I don't understand why when I do Pilates once a week(ish) and work out with a trainer once a week and sort of watch what I eat but also cheat with Qdoba nachos I'm not losing weight.  It's a mystery.

2. Bills, Bills, Bills.  This is a huge insult to injury.  Leaving the hospital without a baby in your arms is heartbreaking.  Getting bills in the mail for months after losing your child feels criminal.  Shelling out thousands of dollars for what feels like nothing (except the aforementioned Play-Doh body and enough material to start a blog) is a pain in the ass and a constant reminder of what you've lost.

3. Lactose Intolerant. Losing a child at any point beyond 12 weeks can result in a woman's milk coming in.  I have heard that this is painful.  It didn't even occur to me in the hospital that this would happen until my doctor told me.  Apparently there used to be a shot that would halt milk production, but it had cardiac side effects that were less than desirable.  Within a couple of days of getting out of the hospital, it happened.  My boobs were like the Grinch's heart.  They grew three sizes that day.  Sadly, Jeff could not even bear witness to this event (I have never been what the kids would call "well-endowed" - kids say that, yes?), as I was essentially binding myself down with the tightest sports bra I could get.  To women in my position, I have very few tips to help you through this, except for one: cabbage.  It helps.  It's gross.  But it helps.

So those are my top three annoyances.  Petty?  Sure.  But as I said, it makes me feel like I'm a normal mother - something that's a rare occurrence in my daily life.

Save Me, Jessica Lange

Last week's "American Horror Story" was quite intense.  And not just because of the crazy "Evil Dead" chainsaw homage (BTW, spoilers ahoy!).  There was a scene where the divine Jessica Lange was high as a kite on prescription drugs in a hospital (who hasn't been there, amirite?).  She wanders the halls and eventually enters a room where a woman has just given birth.

The woman is curled up and crying, and a baby lays motionless in a bassinet nearby.  My stomach dropped and my heart skipped a beat.  "Was it stillborn or did it die after?" asks Jessica.  "Stillborn. What is it?  They didn't even tell me."  "She's a girl," whispers Jessica.  She picks the baby up, and hands it to the mother.  She tells her to tell the baby that she loves her, and that she's beautiful, and that she'll never stop loving her.  And then she touches the baby on the head and walks away.  The baby takes a breath and starts to cry (oh, if you don't watch the show, Jessica Lange is a super powerful witch).  And my head explodes and I feel like Ryan Murphy is trying to make me insane.

What I wouldn't have given for someone to save Emma like that - to save me.  That scene was gut-wrenching for me.  Shocking because stillbirth is so rarely mentioned on television.  Touching because a lot of the things that the woman said to her daughter were things that I said to Emma.  Heartbreaking because I know that it's fiction and fantasy and there's not a chance that ever could have happened to me.  Even as I gave birth and hoped against everything I knew that she would cry and breathe and it would be a miracle.  But there was no miracle to be had that day.  Maybe Jeff and I getting up every day and going on with our lives and trying to heal are the miracles?